Thanksgiving

Three years ago, just before Thanksgiving, I drove to my doctor’s office for a routine checkup. Shawn drove from work and met me there so that he could watch Cody and Anna in the waiting room while I met with the doctor. Before leaving the house, though, a thought jumped through my mind for a split second, “What if he (the doctor) finds something?” I dismissed this quickly, not sure why I even thought this. After the exam my doctor sent me in to see his ultrasound technician to get a more thorough examination. I was then called back into his office to talk. I was informed that I had a fast growing softball size tumor growing inside of me. I had just seen my doctor 6 weeks after having Anna, and no sign of this mass existed then. My doctor was surprised. However, I sat confused when he offered me a box of tissues before one tear had even escaped my eyes…YET, anyways. All of that changed in that moment. Why was my doctor who was so laid-back and positive offering me tissues? Why had he never seen a case like mine before? Why did he not “feel comfortable” about me waiting to have the surgery until after I got back from traveling to see family over Thanksgiving? And why when I asked him if he thought I could die from whatever was going on inside of me that he would not commit? I remember him mentioning “playing the odds,” and I remember him trying to avert the topic. But he never would actually tell me that everything was going to be okay. My heart sank in that instance. He left the room and went out to the waiting room to speak with Shawn. I stood in the hallway trying to keep the tears at bay, so much not wanting to let Cody or Anna see me upset. My heart was aching and my stomach was sick. The fear of never being able to watch my babies grow up. The thought of Shawn trying to raise Cody and Anna on his own AND work. And if not death, the worries that we may not be able to have any more babies consumed me. I missed Dylan at that moment, and I hadn’t even met him yet. God saw us through, and I quickly learned everything was going to be alright. My doctor told me later that he thought almost certainly what I had was cancer. Thankfully, he was wrong.

I think back to that day a lot and remember how blessed I am. Sometimes I just look at my children’s faces and soak in their little images. I think how blessed I am to have Shawn and grateful to be a family together. I also think of those who have truly known struggles. My heart aches for them. I get to watch my babies grow and I get to tuck them in bed at night, and I have my wonderful husband by my side all the while. So happy to have Dylan with us this year at Thanksgiving!